Broken

(A. and Quinn after A. ran her first 5K with me!)

Tonight I have old feelings rushing back.  Feelings I could never talk about or blog about-because I was under strict confidentially.  Tonight I will not disclose everything I am thinking or feeling, because I respect  this sweet girl in my life-but I just have to say, after much talking tonight my heart is just broken as it was every single night for over two years...just by the life of this one child.  Then, I stop and wonder how broken the Lord must be over me...when I think I know they way, when I don't rely on Him...and when I am just being me- the only way I know how to be. In all my sinfulness and yuck he sees me and still loves me.  Tonight I feel that for someone... the love of Christ that only He can give me.  I don't want anything in return.  Our previous daughter through foster care, who we will call A. is a sweet soul.  I got the joy of being her mom (as much as I could be that time in her life) and I had the privilege of helping her walk through tough life situations.  Tonight we talked... but this time I can't help... I can't do anything really, except get on my knees for her before her Father and beg for Him to watch over her, protect her and PLEASE God let her experience you one day!

(Visiting A. about a year after she'd gone home)

I reached out my hand tonight and once again had it turned down...but this is not about me, so I have to be okay with that.  My heart is just breaking.  I spent the last two weeks with children who will do anything for education, a job and family.  It is so different here in America.  Tonight the feelings of helplessness, surrender, sadness and brokenness rush back.  Tonight I will pray as hard as I have for two years for a miracle.  I'm expecting a miracle and I can't wait to tell you about it some day.

(A. used to help me on photo sessions for Eden Photography when she lived with us.)